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Not So Hot

                             

Summer. It’s our second summer together and it isn’t all fun and games. It’s a bit sad actually. The weekdays that we’re together are spent on school and life teases me by showing me a glimpse of your presence only to be taken away as soon as class ends. I don’t want to give up hope though. I know someday it will all pay off. I let myself down. You’ve got nothing to do with the way I handle myself in school. I just let myself down. It’s depressing, you know. I know I should expect what I got because I don’t work as hard as I should. I shouldn’t make any excuse for myself because it’s all on me.

I don’t care about it though. I just want to be able to get a great job and ultimately be with you. I even bring you down sometimes because I fear for the worst. I fear that I’ll lose you once you transfer out or graduate before I do. It’s scary because I depend so much on our future together. I’m so unreliable.

I feel pressured. You reassure me that you will never leave me and promises that we’ll be together in the end. But I know, I have to do something in order for us to be on the same course. The wind is certainly pushing against me right now, but I know, we can make it to the direction that we both plan to head.Also, thanks for being so supportive. I’m not even being sarcastic. You try to hide your concerns for me, but I know you care about me. I know you want me. Don’t even deny it.

I’m smiling right now ‘cause you cheered me up. You made me happy and forget about the bad news I had and just to move on. Forward. We sail forward, my love. Persevere with me because you’re all I got. And you’re all I need. Thanks for being the best you can be. I just hope that someday I’ll display the same kind of strength that you possess…

Love, Ni

The Most Beautiful Flower in the World

    

"Life is unexpected. That’s what makes it so exciting." -Unknown

Your realistic awareness of the time yet to come is a distressing position that I can’t bare to accept. You’re putting me through a lot of traumatic instances where my imaginations of a broken, yet romantically ideal, thoughts we once had would easily lose its value simply because of doubts. Yes, I am unable to see the worst-case scenarios because I choose not to see them. It’s a feeling both tense and uneasy.You claim to accept me for who I am, but then why become uncertain of our plans together? As vague as it is, I still cannot, I repeat, cannot consider the possibility that my life would become a cloud filled with endless rainfall pelting down on the day where we will no longer have each other’s arms to hold.  I don’t want any other angel coming up to my saddened cloud to ask me about my melancholy. It’s very much illogical to put us through that possibility. I do not want to lose you.

I despise being thrown into the shadows and to be kept in the dark, not knowing how to act. It’s not just curiosity anymore… I honestly want to figure out what I can do to remove, delete, dispatch, eliminate, destroy, cancel, cut out, ruin, defeat, put down, wipe out, kill, murder, demolish, obliterate, and bomb that doubt you have for us. Frustration proceeds, and yes, I am angered at such a statement. I know, I have not given you the items in life that makes you happiest, but it does not mean that I will never provide it. These promises aren’t empty because even if you don’t realize it, I’m striving to make you happy, to make you love me, to make you crave for me, and to depend on me. Right now, I want to leave behind the properties that makes you have a second opinion as to the outcome of our lives together. I really wish that God can come in with divine intervention and set us back to the point where it rooted the doubt that you had. I need to fix it and I need to fix it now.

Today, I couldn’t even focus on work. Did you know that? I kept the flashback in my head where you confirmed that you doubted it. I kept thinking and thinking and thinking that kids even left me alone or got annoyed at me for staring into blank space while playing a game of UNO with them. I didn’t want anything to do with anyone and so after seeing that you have yet to respond to my text, I slept. I slept with the electric fan turned on to 1 and an unsteady mind. I was trying to draw a blurry diagram in my head. You know, a flow chart, or more like a “flaw” chart, that would list all the possibilities on why the feeling of doubt has crossed your mind. To let you know, it never crossed my mind.

A lot of emotions crowds my mind like a bazaar market where a lot of my brain cells are picking out different feelings from different stores. Some of my emotions tells me to smile. Some wants me to curl up and cry. Others are hysterical and wild. But most of all, my feelings want me to love you even more to rid of all things horrible. Annihilate your doubt please.

In response to the quote above: “Life is unexpected. That’s what makes it so fragile.

Love, Ni.

P.S. When you walk down from that beachy aisle carrying that bouquet of shining irises, I’ll smile and say to you, “I told you so.”

Blissful Ignorance

          

The bliss granted by your touch is unlike nothing I’ve ever felt. My bearings with you never subsided and whenever I feel your physical self, I become at peace. Who we are, what we’ve become. Hell, I love what we are. I’m proud to show my affection to you in any way

It hit me. No girl can ever make me feel like that. Make me feel serene and loved. I don’t really have much to say about some things, but it’s just I have a gut feeling that maybe you don’t fully trust me still. And it’s ok. I don’t want to assume, but if I can’t let you go, then maybe, you can’t let me go either.

If under extreme circumstances an event happen to occur, like an unexpected outcome due to the actions we bear, I realized what must be done. We talked about it last night and you’re right. You’re absolutely right. I was foolish and selfish to think about our life to date instead of looking at the great things such an event could bring. I will never ever abandon you because of things such as this. You have my word on it. I know I can stick it out with you despite hardships that may post an issue. Issues don’t resolve themselves, but I believe in faith and I believe that we can overcome all things to come. Plans can always be destroyed, demolished, and disregarded, but my love for you will never become any of that.

And so, I say, bring it on. Let it come to us. I’ll be sure to create something beautiful out of this with you. Then again, I can never create anything beautiful without you, the secret ingredient and passion of my soul. I look forward to the obstacles and will hold your hand, feel you touch, and look into your eyes as we face them together. Always together…

Your true love, Ni

Sticky Notes

            

Perseverance can accomplish everything.

The semester’s almost at an end. It’s a relief but at the same time, I might miss it. It’s definitely the most dramatic chapter thus far, where we almost broke apart not once, but twice. But still, it’s been a developing period in our relationship where I became more exposed to what you’re really like. I may act like you have so many flaws, but in truth, I really enjoy the company of your true self. There’s a few ups and a lot of downs I must admit, but it never really set us back. We’re still together, aren’t we? I still love laughing with you, caressing you, and repeating the words, “I love you.” These things are of value because they’re the few things in life that I can never tire off.

There’s always the choice of turning back, you know. I throw myself towards you, but you always have the choice to leave me. It’s reality and I understand that. But I won’t sit back and let it fall into pieces. I have to say no. I have to fight back ‘cause I have the right to defend this relationship. I can’t bare to have any regrets. I can’t be like, ‘I should have fought harder’ or ‘Why’d I let her go?’. I’ll know when it’s really time to let go. When you can’t handle me any longer. When you’re at the brink of thinking fully ill of me. But now’s not the time.

It’s hard. To say things like you don’t want anything to do with me anymore. To say things like you feel hatred towards me. To say that you’re better off with someone that can treat you with love, like you deserve. I take it all in and it’s an inflammatory effect, more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced as if it burned right through my aching heart.

The remedy? It’s still you. You caused me such suffering and pain. I can only blame you alone. You did this to me. You made me go apeshit for you. You made my love stronger and harder for you. And so, only you can fix it. Time won’t accomplish anything. Taking out my anger won’t do either. The touch and comfort of my precious girl is the only medicine to this pain.

People give up too easily I think. If neither sides come to give up the pride and strength, then it will never be solved. There will always be a hole. Look at the people we’ve acquainted ourselves with. I’m not insulting or anything, but think about it. All hope lost, nothing they did about it, and then the report of having a lot of regrets. See, I don’t want that. I want to stick with you.

On the lighter note, school’s done. Spring semester is no more. Goodbye, Higashurs, Sebastian, and our online classes that the teachers don’t really care about. I should have done much more to impress you, but hey, I’m an underachiever. I like the title anyways. Besides, how can one focus when their lover is always in the presence of my eyes. Summer is coming which means our official anniversary is ahead. I cannot wait until that day.

One in a million, as they say. But you’re not one in a million. You’re the only one for me. I mean, there’s over six billion people in this world and to discover someone like you is something only love and fate can mix up.

Love and truly yours, Ni

Will

    

It’s getting really hard. So much complications but I’m trying to persevere for you. I can’t exhaust it enough but I hope the effort pays off in the end. I’ve hurt you, but you still defend me. I can’t have doubts now.

Let’s try to cheer up no matter what happens. Personal issues are trying to tear us apart, my overprotective self bringing us down, and our random fits juggling our minds and giving us both headaches. Even when we’re apart for a few days, mostly on the weekends, I still can’t stop myself from trying to stay in touch. I don’t know what’s going through my head.

As you know, me and a certain someone had a talk while you were washing dishes and being a good girl. It’s still very much unclear but she told me to rid of all of my bad thoughts about members of the family. She said to make my intentions pure and to not give in so easily to things that maybe she can’t do anything about. She even talked to me about her personal history and how she had to drop a lot of potential siblings and how she worked so hard when she was young due to her sight on marriage. Guilty is the feeling right now.

Hey, but don’t go off on me. She knows what I’m going through and hopefully understands it very well. I have no clue as how to act so I’ll do my best to work hard for my family and especially my number one priority, you.

Love, Ni

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