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In the Midst of It All

   

Believe it or not, I’ll never learn to stop doing what I do despite the punishment you give me. Sure, I can just as easily be labeled as stubborn and ignorant for never understanding that a lesson is suppose to change my reaction to things. However, it does not. Lessons that you attempt to teach me never go through the process of my brain because your way of teaching them is unforgivable. A lot factors in to why I act this way, so to put it how you would, don’t assume anything.

At times, I can’t face facts. I mean, when I’m wrong, it’s hard to admit especially when you’re rubbing me the wrong way. You do it as well. It all depends on our different views and when I think that you started it, you think the opposite, that I was the cause of all things. I don’t attempt to play the good guy in all this, but as much as I’m at fault, so are you. Ok, I admit that a majority of the time I am at fault. Some things just gets to me. It’s hard to explain but when I expect something but you failed to play your part, I go downhill from there.

I stress about little things but that’s just a way for me to withdraw my anger on other issues and put it on one thing that seems so small. For example, a lot of things got into me these past few days. My aching back, for one. My effort gone to waste when I constantly text you. My impatient ways especially when I can’t seem to figure out what I should do instead of laying about looking at the ceiling. My paranoia that perhaps you’re being unfaithful to me. My obsessive-compulsive disorder. School work and upcoming exams. Et cetera, et cetera. Like I said, a lot of things just fills me up and so it easily triggers this mechanism in my head to go apeshit on small things. 

It all leads up to this climatic explosion. Rather than easing my head to make all things clear, you put up the same stubborn fight as I do. Only that, you wage war differently. In all of the monumental battle that ever took place, you always unleash a weapon that devastates my whole reserved battalion and wipes my whole army cleanly. This weapon is known as Love Blackmail. Why do I give in? It’s because you extort me and threaten me that things planned will no longer be a part of us whether it be a instinctive or short-term plan. You push me away and you know that’s the only thing that makes me crack. When you say things won’t be the same, I raise that white flag high, rid of my pride, and kneel down before you. You exploit my weakness constantly to gain the upper hand.

Sometimes I wonder if it even bothers you. That your method of doing things isn’t fair game. Since you thought of it and you know it is impossible for me to do the same, it seems rather legit. But that’s just it. I don’t play the victim, the innocent guy that you abuse so well. No, I don’t. It feels that way but it’s because I am genuinely tortured by facing this action of yours on me. It’s unbearable. Truly unbearable.

And I’m not up for complaining either. I don’t think its wrong to be who I am. I don’t complain because we’re lacking as a couple but because I expect a lot of things from you. Which is wrong, I know. I shouldn’t even let things go over my head because I know you’re not the type to permanently take me out of my life or go behind my back or fraud me on the flaws that I make. Deep inside, I know you’re not as bad as you display yourself to be sometimes. That you pretend you don’t care about me. That you conceal the fact that you really care for me but to make me seem like I need you more, you intentionally and unintentionally make me jealous. You know, let’s put it like this. If it was just you and I living in this world, I would display a sort of relief and perhaps even give you the space you so desperately desire at times…But for now, I won’t let my guard down because I fear, for all of the right reasons, that I might one day lose you.

Love, Ni

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