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How badly can one repeatedly, on and again, mess up but still be forgiven by the person you did harm to? I’m so thankful to have you. I don’t know how you keep up with me and my constant need for attention. I wish that you’ll never reach a limit that you can no longer stand me because what you’re displaying shows enormous strength of your faith for us. I can’t negatively analyze myself enough in that I always complain and get on you about every little thing. Even when I realize that you have already done your part to apologize, I nag on for no apparent direction. The mistakes made are forcefully deepen into a problematic state because I lack the respect to tell you that you’re right and I am wrong.

How strong can we really withstand everything that turned on the wrong path because of stupidity and personal-driven objectives? It’s like I tell myself, why don’t you just give it a break? She apologized, she stated it clearly and moved on, so why can’t you? I regret the fact that I can’t easily decline or put down my urge to be argue. The type of person that I am… No wonder why I was lonely all these years before you.

When I’ve finally been given the chance to prove my worth, to feel of value to another individual, I destroy it. Why would I do that? Why would I act towards a goal that would only leave undesirable outcomes and hated remarks from both sides? Why would I infuriate the only person that cares so deeply about me? In order to progress, changes are needed. When I tell you never to change, you did so naturally, and it got to me. I changed into a burst of emotions that purposely seeks out selfish needs.

"Sorry" isn’t even going to cut it anymore. Neither is shedding tears for the sake of obtaining sympathy. There is no more chance of my way. It’s only our way or your way that follows and for some odd reason, I can’t agree with that just yet. Sigh. I’m procrastinating something that will later be noticed anyways and I’d soon give in to you. This also proves that perhaps I rely on you for everything because you are the answer. You are the solution to my doubts, to my frustration, and to everything else. No wonder why I am as dependent as you see me as. I fear of being wrong and creating the wrong moves only to be yelled at and be pointed how my reflected actions are stupid.

Therefore, I am a very dependent person. To this ever-growing relationship of ours, I need to once again, “break from the mold”. In order to prosper and to change the direction so that it tilts towards a greater love, I need to make alterations that will both satisfy you and make me a fully-realized character…

Until then, keep on believing in me.

Love, Ni

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