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The Act of Not Caring

Damn it. I’m so fucking lost right now. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do? Never in my life have I’ve been so confused as to this moment. I don’t even know what my purpose is. I need guidance…

How am I suppose to act? Damn it. I feel hella out of control. With my own self. I don’t have any control over myself. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. As if it’s all gone. It’s so hard for people to accept their wrong doings and that’s just the way I think as well. Why then do I still endure the humiliation and whatever it is the fuck I did to deserve the punishment brought upon me. Why is it so goddamn important to even reach out when it’s always going to be used as a leverage, as something to bend your will?

Fuck. I’ve had it with caring so much. I put so much fucking effort into everything only to realize that whatever it is I do, it’s always wrong. And even then, when I realize my mistake, I still get hurt because it’s never enough to just accept. Never enough.

Constantly I check my phone, I monitor everything that I can, and wait for moments that may never come. Why the hell do I do that? It’s so fucking annoying. I’m annoyed at myself. I never learn to just let go. I never learn to just stop caring once in a while. Why do I even do this to myself when I already know it’s gonna be me on the floor?

I don’t plan to take vengeance. No, that’s not it. The pain I’ve suffered through isn’t because of you, it’s because I let you do it to me. You predict that I’m gonna beg to have some sort of interaction with you. You know that I always want to see you any chance I get. And you know damn well that without you, I am nothing. It’s become apparent that I can’t even stand on my own. That’s so fucking sad…

"Please…"? "I’m sorry."? "I didn’t mean to."? All of these things have become a routine because you saw the weakness in me. I don’t blame you for doing whatever it takes for you to get your way, but I can’t go on like this. I can’t tell you upfront because I don’t know how to. Because I fear I’ll end up on the floor once again.

The act of not caring. Seeing you perfectly execute something like this got me thinking. How are you able to endure not talking to me? Not seeing me? Ignoring me? Seeing me beg and cry? A needy person like me deserves to be stepped on but one can only go so far…

Love, Ni

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